Scene: Victorian bathhouse with vaulted ceiling; white tiled swimming pool, drained; painted wrought iron staircase leading up to raised observation gallery.
0:00 Enter Pete, walking to centre of dry swimming pool pit. Brief images of agonized-looking body-stocking clad dancers with plumes of primary-coloured hair spouting from the top of their headgear superimposed over main picture at intervals.
0:13 Dwarf in white suit with hand-held video camera runs towards Pete filming him as he mimes to track.
0:25 Enter team of bowler hatted business men in suits take a synchronized bow.
0:31 Cut to aviator flapping enormous fake bats’ wings sewn on to his overalls.
0:39 Man apparently dressed as children’s television presenter Timmy Mallet attempts to open a deck chair while uninterested Pete strides past him.
0:53 Woman resembling synchronized swimmer with life ring lying on tiled floor of empty pool mouths backing vocals.
0:55 Clip of two brutes in yellow muscle vests squaring up to each other.
1:00 Body-stockinged dancers do their bit; excited dwarf runs around filming them.
1:18 Pete descends staircase while a gentleman in a pink suit gaffa-taped to a supporting column tries to escape.
1:25 Socialite in little black dress and elbow-length gloves and a blue sash in her Jerry Hall-style hair kisses a male shop mannequin. The dwarf continues to tail Pete as he walks past undressed mannequins lined up on the raised balcony; Pete stops when confronted by doppelganger of previously mentioned socialite (this one with pink ribbon in hair) making out with female mannequin.
1:38 CU: whiskers appear to be growing on the faces of the yellow-vested bully boys.
1:40 Businessmen file in to pit in unison and take their seats on office swivel chairs, strumming their fingers on a make shift desk they’ve brought with them for the occasion. Pete and dwarf, seated on edge of pool, observe from above; latter is more interested in Pete than the spectacle going on below.
1:54 An aquanaut emerges from nowhere and Pete investigates.
2:04 The thugs now have full beards.
2:13 The little man in the white suit films arrival of four sexy nuns with elaborate wimples and slit-sided habits who have appeared on the balcony. Nuns provocatively hook their legs over the balustrade while having a good chuckle.
2:48 The thugs’ beards grow to their ankles in a matter of seconds.
2:52 All hell breaks loose. Dancers and businessmen are in pool area, being chased by overexcited camera-wielding dwarf; aviator attempts to take flight from diving board.
3:08 Pete gets ready to make his escape via a rope ladder.
3:19 Aviator crashes to tiled floor of pool face first.
3:21 The snooty girls in the little black dresses flick their hair and inspect their hands in mirror image of each other while Pete looks on, rubbing his chin.
3:32 Nuns perform risqué cartwheels.
3:38 Pete and the dwarf in the white suit are suddenly alone in the swimming pool.
3:47 The dwarf retreats, taking his camera with him.
What could it all have meant?
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The UNDERTONES It’s Going To Happen (Ardeck ARDS8)
HEAVEN 17 Foolish Thing To Do (Virgin VS859)
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